In the candlelit nave

I had the blessing of spending a good eight hours at church yesterday, between the Divine Liturgy, coffee hour, and later an Akathist to Saint Katherine, with a small meal after and a film on her life. It was the name day of Father Mark’s daughter, so she served us our meals and cleaned up afterward with thankfulness and a smiling face — she’s a sweet girl, very humble and pious in her short eleven years.

I had the chance to speak with Father Mark for awhile. I told him that it did me well to take his words to heart, concerning certain situations which have been hard for me to deal with lately. He had told me, to paraphrase, to express humility and patience and glorify God in all things, and the demons use setbacks such as these to tempt us with ideas of God being far from us, and not caring for us in our sufferings. He showed me how to pray for the reposed with my chotki, which brought me consolation and peace of heart. I confided these things in him, and expressed that the heavy cold I had been carrying around for weeks was gone. Father blessed me, and we went into the church and talked a little more about these things, and gave thanks to God.

As I had left Father a small note saying that I hope to get the chance to speak with him later in the afternoon, he pulled me aside as everyone was leaving, so that we could get the chance to talk. In the nave, I told Father Mark of my thankfulness for him taking the time out to speak with me, and that I’ve been visited with health and consolation. I told him that it has all worked towards my humility, and it must have been a way of forcing me to take my eyes off of myself. Wallowing in my grief and sickness seemed to increase my bonds, but, when I took up the prayer rope in nightly rule and prayed for the souls of the departed, after several nights, God visited me. As Saint Mark of Ephesus says, “God is not bound by contracts”, I know full well that I can’t expect anything as a result of what I do — I can’t say if I do a hundred prostrations God will give me this much grace, I can’t say if I say prayers for this many hours God will heal me of this much sickness, and so on, but I know that God listens to prayer, and He is near to the contrite heart.

Father told me, after we got done talking, that if I continue to struggle, and swear not to fall away after Pascha, he will baptize me. I nodded to him, and I quoted the Psalter: “Make vows to the Lord your God and fulfill them.”

He replied, “And FULFILL them! Making vows to the Lord is easy, fulfilling them is the hard part.” He blessed me, we venerated the icons, and went our separate ways.

Pray for me, as I continually take it upon myself to struggle, and that the demons of despondency and hedonism stay far from me during the Fasts. I have a strong desire for the Mysteries which I have deprived myself of. I have a great need to die in the waters and arise new in Christ. I need this, with all my heart, and all my soul, and all my strength.

Weekly contemplation.

Consider, how the Lord in His divine wisdom, gave us the means of calling upon His name, and by descending into our own hearts through this ineffable glory, we also ascend, into the Kingdom of Heaven. Consider, how the invocation and utterance of the name of the Lord Jesus, crushes the heads of the infants of spiritual Babylon against the rocks, and gnashes their teeth.

Consider, the sheer humility of the prayer, and how only through being abased are we exalted by it. Consider, how many holy ones have retreated into the desert to taste this prayer more sweetly, and have died to the world and become as angels by this unceasing prayer. Consider, heavily, the Lord Jesus, Who spoke thus: “Abide in Me, and I in you.”

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

Hosts of heaven, hear me…

Draw near to me O Lord, hasten to help me, bring my soul out of affliction and have mercy on me for I am in need of Your great and abundant mercies. Despise me not, O my Master, though my good works are as filthy rags and my virtue is comparable to dirt. Forsake me not, Heavenly King, though in actions, in words, in thoughts and in deeds I have forsaken You. Heal me from within and unbind these chains, these passions which beset me and humble me even to the earth, deliver me from this death I bring steadily upon my soul. I dare not raise my hands to heaven, for with them I have become an idolater, I do not use them for labors of asceticism but for personal gain. I dare not lift my eyes to heaven for with them I behold that which causes me to stumble, with them I have entertained carnal thoughts and have set myself in a snare, eagerly, willingly, as a dog to his vomit and a naive lamb to the slaughter. I only raise my thoughts and prayers to the throne of grace, in hopes that Your mercy outweighs even my sins, the wretched, the terrible, the undeniable weight of my innumerable sins against You, against myself, against my neighbor, and against all the world. Forgive me, Lord, for I do not sin against myself alone, but I sin against You, and I sin against humanity.

I am humbled, my King, again, I am humbled, for in my sins I have warranted physical and spiritual death but I have not been made to suffer the cross. I haven’t a single day in my life without sin, I have scarcely a passing moment when I do not sin against You, I am the sinner, the hedonist, and in truth I have betrayed you more than Judas. Yet You have ascended the Cross even for my sake. You have given hope even to one such as I, that even my abominable sins are above retribution… for what manner of evil can I commit that Your Passion cannot subdue? What act can I, as creation, exalt above the acts of You, the Creator, Who has deemed in ineffable Divine Providence to grant great and abundant mercy to a world much in need of it? I am humbled… Lord I am humbled… grant through the prayers of your Saints that I may die with You, that I may be resurrected in You, in Baptism, in Illumination, and in glory. Grant O Master and King that, not for my glory, not for mine, but for Yours, that I may walk in the newness of life and suffer myself not to live as a child and product of spiritual Babylon, but the Kingdom which has no end. Grant O Lord and King that through the prayers of the Panagia and of all the Saints, I may no longer simply think of You, but experience You in Sacrament and divinization.

Have mercy on me O God have mercy on me, according to the multitude of Your compassions blot out my transgressions, wash me thoroughly of my iniquity and cleanse me of my sin…

For I am in need of Your great and abundant mercy.